I’ve never seen the film ‘Grease’ but that’s not going to stop me from reviewing it. I think it’s important to get everybody’s perspective on art, including people who haven’t seen or experienced it and don’t have any interest in seeing or experiencing it and therefore can’t create an informed opinion. I can’t explain why it’s important, it’s just a feeling that I have. Like feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin, the laughter of a loved one or trapped gas.
Grease is the story of Johnny Fingertoes (played by the terrible actor and crazy scientologist John Travolta) who is sick to his back teeth of this dead end town with nothing to do and no career prospects other than licking the clocktower clean every day. You see, the clocktower in this town is ancient, at least 35 years old, so any grime on it will cause it to seize up and stop telling the time correctly. There may also be a bomb attached to the clock and if the clock slows down to below one second per second, the bomb will explode, so Grease is not only a harrowing tale of one man’s tongue-based struggle against grime, but it’s also an exciting and intense action movie. (You know it’s exciting and intense because the poster for it is a picture of John Travolta’s huge face in front of an explosion!)
Johnny Fingertoes gets into a fight with a gang of hooligans and because he never learned how to fight, he tries to dance himself to safety but the hooligans beat him up and take away his kneecaps and balls. In the most heartwarming scene in any movie ever, Johnny is lying in a hospital bed and his father comes to him and says, “Son, I’ve been a deadbeat father for so many years. Now’s the chance for me to make a difference.” And then it cuts to the next scene where Johnny’s father has his kneecaps and balls surgically removed and transplanted so that his son can live. Their beds are right next to each other and Johnny’s father reaches over and takes his son’s hand as he is having his balls sewed onto his son and then he goes limp and closes his eyes and that heart monitor thing goes ‘beeeeep’ and the doctor says “Time of death, 2:24.” and then it cuts to black. You’ll need a packet of tissues ready for that scene.
So then Johnny makes a full recovery and decides to get revenge on the hooligans that took his knees, balls and father away from him. One by one, he captures them and ties them up in his basement and they’re all crying and one of them has shit himself because they’re not sure what Johnny has in store with them. Then Johnny opens up a huge vat and it’s full of grease and one by one, he drowns all of the hooligans in the grease and he laughs as each one of them begs for their lives, but he talks to his father’s balls as if they were actually his father, and he does both of their voices and says things like, “What do you think pops, shall we let him go?”, “No, Johnny. They must learn a lesson that they’ll never forget.” And then he does that weird shriek/scream thing that Xena Warrior Princess used to do and grabs one of them and drowns them in the grease.
However, Johnny has been so consumed by vengeance that he has neglected his job as clocktower licker and we see the clock grinding to a halt. I think the ironic thing was that if Johnny had used the grease on the clock instead of the hooligans, then that would have kept the clock running a lot better than saliva. And then the world explodes.
Overall, I didn’t really enjoy not watching Grease. It was a bit boring and very clichéd. There were a lot of films in the 60’s and 70’s that dealt with ball-based revenge such as ‘Dr. Strangelove’, Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Vertigo’ and ‘Rocky 4’ and Grease is greatly inferior to all of these, though it’s worth seeing if you want to see John Travolta licking a clocktower for thirty six minutes.