Westwood Waffles

Westwood Waffles

The Random Thoughts of a Westwood

Here's a collection of my ramblings!

Harry Potter and the Urinal of Despair

ThoughtsPosted by Darren Mon, April 06, 2015 20:57:05

I think that by now we're close enough to share a few of our more private thoughts and moments. Either that or you've just stumbled across this blog and might be thinking "This guy seems awesome, I wonder what his private thought process might be like!" in which case you're in luck!

So, the incident in question involves bodily functions. Now yes, we all need to go to the toilet so let's not judge too harshly my chosen topic for today, but this was just a cog in the machine that is this blog post. What scriptwriters like to call 'the inciting incident'. I think. As a scriptwriter, I believe it's more important to actually use this stuff than to know every intricate detail about it. Let's face it, even a monkey can be taught how to shoot a gun. (*Note to self: Monkey Assassin. Kinda like The Bourne Identity but with a capuchin...)

Y'see I never really have a problem 'going' when standing at a public urinal. No stress, no worrying about 'the rules', just getting down to business as professionally as possible. But there was a time that my powers deserted me. This happens to the best of Superheroes, like that time that Spider-man just lost his powers because he realised he was actually Tobey Maguire or that time that Wolverine lost his powers because the plot of the film he was in required him to lose his powers at that point. On this occasion, I was in the cinema and I was nipping to the loo before the film started. This is a good thing to do as it puts my mind at ease as there's no bladder-related complications that may arise that would interrupt my enjoyment of the film. There's nothing worse that getting to 'the good bit' (TM) and having to cross your legs and wish the pain away. I'm sure many of you know my pain.

However, today was not the day for plans to go according to plan. The problem was that this particular cinema plays music from popular films in the foyer and toilets. It can be quite a good feeling to unburden yourself to 'Ghostbusters' or 'Footloose'. But disaster is always just around the corner, like a monkey with a magnum. I had prepared myself, confident in my ablities. Arrogant, some may say, and just like Icarus, my hubris had taken me too close to the sun and I was about to come crashing down to Earth. I thought I was safe. I thought it would be like every other time. I closed my eyes.

And then the music from Harry Potter came on.

My subliminal response was immediate. I tensed up. Everything went wrong. My mind had made the link between Harry Potter and urination and I was conviced that something magical was about to happen. This was too much pressure and no matter how hard I tried, nothing would happen. I was mortal again. Ashamed, embarrassed and defeated by my own body. I gave up, washed my hands and left the toilets, a lesser man than when I had entered. I felt a bit like Clark Kent in Superman 2 when he goes into that weird skeleton-machine thing and he comes out all weak and pathetic and gets picked on by a redneck in a cafe. The whole film was spent with an uncomfortable jabbing feeling, the only response to constantly shift in awkward silence.

I think the lesson we can all take from this is that we shouldn't be too sure of our strengths, because even the simplest of things can overwhelm you for some random reason. Our minds and bodies truly are amazing, and they're definitely out to get us!


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