Posted by Darren Wed, May 06, 2015 19:44:35
I’ve never seen When Harry Met Sally, so here’s my review for it.
When Harry Met Sally is an experimental film made in the 80’s by a gibbon in a man costume. The entire running time consists of Meg Ryan pretending she is having an orgasm for 136 minutes whilst Crystal Billy sits opposite her pulling funny faces. I think this was back when Meg Ryan was pretty, before she melted her face into angular shapes and had her DNA merged with that of a rattlesnake. They all said she shouldn’t do it, but she wanted to prove them all wrong because she was sick of being told what to do with her face so she immediately booked herself into a plastic surgery clinic to have 26 operations. Luckily, the doctor who was working on that day was going for the Guinness World Record of Most Botched Plastic Surgery Jobs in One Day, so he performed all of her surgeries one after another, each one more bungled than the last. Here’s a picture of Meg Ryan before and after her adventures…
I didn’t care for the film itself, it was like they were trying too hard to explain the emotions of a woman whilst she is having an orgasm. I think they could have taken it in a different direction, like what if Sally had been a bank robber instead of someone who fakes an orgasm? Or if Crystal Billy had been a black street thug with ‘attitude’ instead of someone who watches Meg Ryan pretend to have an orgasm. They could have gone on some pretty wild and wacky adventures together and that might have been a film I’d be tempted to watch rather than one I haven’t even seen and am writing a review about. I’ve actually managed to get a copy of part of the script, which I’ve shared below. There’s some compelling stuff here, but a few strange decisions based around language and iambic pentameter.
I, personally, have only ever faked three orgasms and each one was to escape from a life threatening situation except the second one which was just to escape from being drafted into the Vietnam War. It didn’t work, I still had to go and I got the nickname ‘Dangerous Jerome’ on account of the fact that someone actually died due to me pretending to have an orgasm. I’m not sure where the ‘Jerome’ part came from. It was a real shame when those guys got cut down in a rice paddy by Charlie, they were great guys.
Anyway, the best part of When Harry Met Sally was the end bit when Sally pretends to stop pretending to have a fake orgasm and an old woman who looks like a man gestures over the waiter and says, “I need a sick bucket.” And then the screen cuts to black and some sad music comes on whilst the credits role. I don’t think I can recommend When Harry Met Sally highly enough, it’s one of those films that will stay with you and haunt you while you’re trying to get to sleep and you keep hearing weird creaks from the opposite side of the room which you never hear in the daytime and you just tell yourself that it’s the house settling but really you know you’re lying to yourself. Something is there, watching you. Waiting until you go to sleep. It wants you to go to sleep. It wants you to be helpless because then it can do things. When Harry Met Sally is just like that.