ReviewsPosted by Darren Wed, May 06, 2015 19:44:35
I’ve never seen When Harry Met Sally, so here’s my review
When Harry Met Sally is an experimental film made in the
80’s by a gibbon in a man costume. The entire running time consists of Meg Ryan
pretending she is having an orgasm for 136 minutes whilst Crystal Billy sits
opposite her pulling funny faces. I think this was back when Meg Ryan was
pretty, before she melted her face into angular shapes and had her DNA merged
with that of a rattlesnake. They all said she shouldn’t do it, but she wanted to
prove them all wrong because she was sick of being told what to do with her
face so she immediately booked herself into a plastic surgery clinic to have 26
operations. Luckily, the doctor who was working on that day was going for the
Guinness World Record of Most Botched Plastic Surgery Jobs in One Day, so he
performed all of her surgeries one after another, each one more bungled than
the last. Here’s a picture of Meg Ryan before and after her adventures…
I didn’t care for the film itself, it was like they were
trying too hard to explain the emotions of a woman whilst she is having an
orgasm. I think they could have taken it in a different direction, like what if
Sally had been a bank robber instead of someone who fakes an orgasm? Or if
Crystal Billy had been a black street thug with ‘attitude’ instead of someone
who watches Meg Ryan pretend to have an orgasm. They could have gone on some
pretty wild and wacky adventures together and that might have been a film I’d
be tempted to watch rather than one I haven’t even seen and am writing a review
about. I’ve actually managed to get a copy of part of the script, which I’ve
shared below. There’s some compelling stuff here, but a few strange decisions
based around language and iambic pentameter.
I, personally, have only ever faked three orgasms and each
one was to escape from a life threatening situation except the second one which
was just to escape from being drafted into the Vietnam War. It didn’t work, I
still had to go and I got the nickname ‘Dangerous Jerome’ on account of the
fact that someone actually died due to me pretending to have an orgasm. I’m not
sure where the ‘Jerome’ part came from. It was a real shame when those guys got
cut down in a rice paddy by Charlie, they were great guys.
Anyway, the best part of When Harry Met Sally was the end
bit when Sally pretends to stop pretending to have a fake orgasm and an old
woman who looks like a man gestures over the waiter and says, “I need a sick
bucket.” And then the screen cuts to black and some sad music comes on whilst
the credits role. I don’t think I can recommend When Harry Met Sally highly
enough, it’s one of those films that will stay with you and haunt you while
you’re trying to get to sleep and you keep hearing weird creaks from the
opposite side of the room which you never hear in the daytime and you just tell
yourself that it’s the house settling but really you know you’re lying to
yourself. Something is there, watching you. Waiting until you go to sleep. It
wants you to go to sleep. It wants you to be helpless because then it can do
things. When Harry Met Sally is just like that.
ReviewsPosted by Darren Fri, April 10, 2015 10:46:25
I’ve never seen the film ‘Grease’ but that’s not going to
stop me from reviewing it. I think it’s important to get everybody’s
perspective on art, including people who haven’t seen or experienced it and
don’t have any interest in seeing or experiencing it and therefore can’t create
an informed opinion. I can’t explain why it’s important, it’s just a feeling
that I have. Like feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin, the laughter of a
loved one or trapped gas.
Grease is the story of Johnny Fingertoes (played by the
terrible actor and crazy scientologist John Travolta) who is sick to his back
teeth of this dead end town with nothing to do and no career prospects other
than licking the clocktower clean every day. You see, the clocktower in this
town is ancient, at least 35 years old, so any grime on it will cause it to
seize up and stop telling the time correctly. There may also be a bomb attached
to the clock and if the clock slows down to below one second per second, the
bomb will explode, so Grease is not only a harrowing tale of one man’s
tongue-based struggle against grime, but it’s also an exciting and intense
action movie. (You know it’s exciting and intense because the poster for it is
a picture of John Travolta’s huge face in front of an explosion!)
Johnny Fingertoes gets into a fight with a gang of hooligans
and because he never learned how to fight, he tries to dance himself to safety
but the hooligans beat him up and take away his kneecaps and balls. In the most
heartwarming scene in any movie ever, Johnny is lying in a hospital bed and his
father comes to him and says, “Son, I’ve been a deadbeat father for so many
years. Now’s the chance for me to make a difference.” And then it cuts to the
next scene where Johnny’s father has his kneecaps and balls surgically removed
and transplanted so that his son can live. Their beds are right next to each
other and Johnny’s father reaches over and takes his son’s hand as he is having
his balls sewed onto his son and then he goes limp and closes his eyes and that
heart monitor thing goes ‘beeeeep’ and the doctor says “Time of death, 2:24.”
and then it cuts to black. You’ll need a packet of tissues ready for that
So then Johnny makes a full recovery and decides to get
revenge on the hooligans that took his knees, balls and father away from him.
One by one, he captures them and ties them up in his basement and they’re all
crying and one of them has shit himself because they’re not sure what Johnny
has in store with them. Then Johnny opens up a huge vat and it’s full of grease
and one by one, he drowns all of the hooligans in the grease and he laughs as
each one of them begs for their lives, but he talks to his father’s balls as if
they were actually his father, and he does both of their voices and says things
like, “What do you think pops, shall we let him go?”, “No, Johnny. They must
learn a lesson that they’ll never forget.” And then he does that weird
shriek/scream thing that Xena Warrior Princess used to do and grabs one of them
and drowns them in the grease.
However, Johnny has been so consumed by vengeance that he
has neglected his job as clocktower licker and we see the clock grinding to a
halt. I think the ironic thing was that if Johnny had used the grease on the
clock instead of the hooligans, then that would have kept the clock running a
lot better than saliva. And then the world explodes.
Overall, I didn’t really enjoy not watching Grease. It was a
bit boring and very clichéd. There were a lot of films in the 60’s and 70’s
that dealt with ball-based revenge such as ‘Dr. Strangelove’, Alfred
Hitchcock’s ‘Vertigo’ and ‘Rocky 4’ and Grease is greatly inferior to all of
these, though it’s worth seeing if you want to see John Travolta licking a
clocktower for thirty six minutes.
ThoughtsPosted by Darren Mon, April 06, 2015 20:57:05
I think that by now we're close enough to share a few of our more private thoughts and moments. Either that or you've just stumbled across this blog and might be thinking "This guy seems awesome, I wonder what his private thought process might be like!" in which case you're in luck!
So, the incident in question involves bodily functions. Now yes, we all need to go to the toilet so let's not judge too harshly my chosen topic for today, but this was just a cog in the machine that is this blog post. What scriptwriters like to call 'the inciting incident'. I think. As a scriptwriter, I believe it's more important to actually use this stuff than to know every intricate detail about it. Let's face it, even a monkey can be taught how to shoot a gun. (*Note to self: Monkey Assassin. Kinda like The Bourne Identity but with a capuchin...)
Y'see I never really have a problem 'going' when standing at a public urinal. No stress, no worrying about 'the rules', just getting down to business as professionally as possible. But there was a time that my powers deserted me. This happens to the best of Superheroes, like that time that Spider-man just lost his powers because he realised he was actually Tobey Maguire or that time that Wolverine lost his powers because the plot of the film he was in required him to lose his powers at that point. On this occasion, I was in the cinema and I was nipping to the loo before the film started. This is a good thing to do as it puts my mind at ease as there's no bladder-related complications that may arise that would interrupt my enjoyment of the film. There's nothing worse that getting to 'the good bit' (TM) and having to cross your legs and wish the pain away. I'm sure many of you know my pain.
However, today was not the day for plans to go according to plan. The problem was that this particular cinema plays music from popular films in the foyer and toilets. It can be quite a good feeling to unburden yourself to 'Ghostbusters' or 'Footloose'. But disaster is always just around the corner, like a monkey with a magnum. I had prepared myself, confident in my ablities. Arrogant, some may say, and just like Icarus, my hubris had taken me too close to the sun and I was about to come crashing down to Earth. I thought I was safe. I thought it would be like every other time. I closed my eyes.
And then the music from Harry Potter came on.
My subliminal response was immediate. I tensed up. Everything went wrong. My mind had made the link between Harry Potter and urination and I was conviced that something magical was about to happen. This was too much pressure and no matter how hard I tried, nothing would happen. I was mortal again. Ashamed, embarrassed and defeated by my own body. I gave up, washed my hands and left the toilets, a lesser man than when I had entered. I felt a bit like Clark Kent in Superman 2 when he goes into that weird skeleton-machine thing and he comes out all weak and pathetic and gets picked on by a redneck in a cafe. The whole film was spent with an uncomfortable jabbing feeling, the only response to constantly shift in awkward silence.
I think the lesson we can all take from this is that we shouldn't be too sure of our strengths, because even the simplest of things can overwhelm you for some random reason. Our minds and bodies truly are amazing, and they're definitely out to get us!
ThoughtsPosted by Darren Wed, April 01, 2015 15:42:29
So, I thought I'd give this whole 'blog' thing a bit of a go! The way I see it, it's sorta like an online diary, but without all the gross personal stuff that would make people physically ill if they knew about you. Yes, you. So it's gonna be a collection of random thoughts, things I find interesting, the odd film review and my opinions regarding all manner of things from barnacles to washing up liquid! (To elaborate, although I actually believe washing up liquid is better than barnacles, everything has its place in the world. To be brutally honest, when I search deep inside myself and quieten my thoughts, I may actually not care about either barnacles or washing up liquid. In fact, I'm beginning to regret using them as my examples. I'll be more considerate in the future.)